Ad Infinitum
by Sapphire Snowflake
Summary: Her poisoned-laced kunai in his hands, Sasuke never relinquished it. He keeps it to himself as a reminder that time should never heal.


_Ad Infinitum_

By Sapphire Snowflake

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Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Masashi Kishimoto does.

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_Her poisoned-laced kunai, in his hands. Sasuke never relinquished it, and keeps it to himself as a reminder…_

**.nihil.**

"Papa, _iku_?"

He looks at the pink-haired girl standing beside him, eyeing him curiously. His hands are still clasped in front of him in a prayer as he says softly to her, "In a minute, Saya."

It is her kunai and _his_ necklace he sees last before he closes his eyes to say _good bye_ and s_ee you later_.

**.IX.**

He opened the front door of the Uchiha Manor only to find himself being tackled to the ground by a pink blob.

"Easy there, Sakura-chan!" He looked up to see Naruto standing beside the spot where Sakura used to stand, grinning widely. Wheezing a bit after the air being knocked out of his lungs, he slowly pushed the said girl by the shoulders away from him, only to see her tear-stained face. "You- you're back!" she cried.

The word, "obviously" nearly left his lips but then he remembered where he was and who exactly gave him another shot in life. Instead, he replied, "Ah."

He looked again at Naruto to see him extending his hand. "Welcome back, _teme_."

He grabbed his hand and pulled himself and Sakura up.

"_Tadaima_."

**.IX.i.**

Sasuke would always find Sakura standing by the hospital porch, waiting for his community service to end. She would always greet him with a smile on her face, timidly putting some strands of her hair behind her ear. He would only reply with a small nod, feeling a little bit awkward but obliging anyway, before they start walking homeward. She would always start chatting about her day, the mountains of paper work that never lessens on her desk, her patients –from the sweetest kid with the scraped knee to the wife-to-be who died three days before her wedding—and all the while he would only walk beside her silently, listening intently to everything she says until they part ways.

But as days passed by, the nods turned to accidental shoulders bumping, to arms so casually touching, to slowly linking their pinkies together. He hadn't even noticed it when those simple touches turned into fiery kissing on the roof top, under the oak tree and above his sheets.

Sakura never tried to ask him what they actually were, always afraid to break the thin ice holding them together.

But luck came to her one day when she saw a _kunai_ sitting next to his family heirloom inside the lowermost drawer of his bedside table. They were in his room, in one of those inexplicable days when they do not want to think about what they are doing. She was in one of his shirts, and he was on the bed, buried under the duvet.

_I can't falter!_

_A team to protect, a position to be filled._

_Sakura, Thank you._

_A breath, a moment, an eternity._

_I-I can't do this._

"Why are you keeping this?" She asked him, her voice soft but laced with the undertones of a fight and a bittersweet taste of the past, when she realized exactly what this _kunai_ was. Sasuke raised his eyebrow before taking the said object back.

"Stop rifling through my things."

"Don't change the subject, _Sasuke._" He cringed at the lack of honorific but wisely chose to say nothing. His lack of response angered Sakura more. She stood up, dragging the duvet away from Sasuke and into the floor. "I can't believe it! Are you still mad that I tried to kill you? What, is this some sort of sick way of reminding yourself that I failed my mission? That I wasn't able to follow rule number _twenty-fucking -two _of the ninja code? Were you thinking of taking a revenge on me? Is that why you're leading me on? It was your fault – " Her voice was starting to rise an octave and it became his cue to cut off her tirade by kissing her senseless.

After a full minute, he said in a breathless whisper, "A memento." _A remembrance._

Along with a locket from his childhood, a photo frame faced down, and a few other odd little nothings that meant the last bit of everything for him.

The duvet never got back up the bed.

**.VIII.**

However, most good things come to an end.

It was the Jounin's All Male Night Out at a dingy pub downtown. He was only a _genin_ but still Sasuke was present as Naruto convinced everyone that the invitation should be handed to those who were really jounin in skills, and not just because they earned the title through sheer luck. Sasuke didn't really want to go but then the free drinks that were served whenever it was a Sakura's-On-A-Mission day was hard to let pass by.

He knew quite a few of the ninjas present but he still chose to sit beside Naruto, who was nursing his drink silently. Noticing the blonde's rather sullen mood, he commented, "I expected this to be a lot wilder since you're present."

It was his discreet way of asking what's wrong.

"Nah. Just thinking about something. Anyway, the party's just starting. I was just recharging." Naruto grinned; however he noticed that it didn't really reach his eyes. He scoffed in reply, "_Uso_."

Naruto sighed deeply in surrender. "Fine. You win. I'm impressed, Teme. Never knew you could actually guess what I was thinking."

"I wouldn't ask you if I know that, dobe."

He scooted nearer and Sasuke cringed involuntarily. "Don't come near me. You're creeping me out." Naruto shot him a glare and he smirked in reply.

"I think I'm in love."

"So?"

"Shut up, Teme. You're involved in this, too."

Sasuke choked on his sake and looked at Naruto incredulously. Realizing what he was thinking, Naruto screamed in defense, "What the hell! Not _you_, you moron. Sakura-chan! It's Sakura-chan!"

Sasuke felt his stomach do flip flops at hearing Sakura's name. It had been almost four months since they had started their strange relationship – if it could even be called one – and no one knew. Ino was suspicious although the two of them were too smart to get caught. Sasuke honestly didn't know why he felt the need to hide their involvement until this day.

He felt himself get nervous and accidentally blurted out, "You've been in love with her since we were twelve. What makes it different now?"

"Of course it's different now. Back then, that was just some sort of a crush thing. But now, now it's something more. Every day that passes I find reasons that make me love her even more, cherish her, and give the world to her. She's… beautiful, smart, caring, strong. Although, her temper is really unattractive." He laughed at this last part as he sipped the remains of sake in his cup.

Sasuke looked at the man beside him and saw his wistful smile as he shook his head slightly and put the cup down. He looked at him and whispered but Naruto could have shouted and the words would have still rang through his head just as clearly, "I would give up my dream in a heartbeat if that's what it takes for her face to be the first thing I see every time I wake up."

Sasuke suddenly found it hard to breathe.

"But I know that she's in love with you. I wouldn't deny that I get jealous whenever I see you with her. But of course, the two of you are the most important people in my life and I'd rather suffer just to see you both happy. So answer me honestly, not as my best friend but as a selfish man. Are you in love with Sakura-chan?"

Sasuke's face remained impassive the whole time; however, deep inside he was a mess. His mind screamed _yes!_ but he just couldn't bring himself to articulate that simple word.

He had done lots of selfish things in his lifetime and he admits most of them were mistakes. But one thing that he could never ever bring himself to do again is to break his best friend's heart. So he breaks hers.

"She's special, yes. But she's nothing more but a very important friend to me."

**.VIII . ii .**

It was another jounin celebration when Sakura got back from the mission. The timing was perfect, Sasuke thought, to end everything between them. He loves her, yes. That already became clear with their first kiss. He could still vividly remember that moment: _They were sitting closer than usual by the porch one winter night. Sasuke blamed it on the coldness of the night. Sakura blamed it on the coldness of her heart._

The brunette beside him didn't stop flirting with him; however, his mind was already somewhere else.

"_Ah, if only I could love someone else."_ _She said offhandedly. Something rose up inside him in indignation and before he was able to think things through, he kissed her. It was selfish of him, but he doesn't want her to forget._

_He later blamed it on the coldness his manor felt when she wasn't around._

It was cruel how karma got back at people.

It was worse when he got back home after Naruto confessed. He had knocked Team Seven's photo frame off his nightstand in frustration. He felt like crying but the tears wouldn't dare come out. A large part of him that he had sealed the night he decided to take revenge of the death of his family resurfaced, baring to him that other dream he thought he had long forgotten.

He only wanted a little bit of happiness, of warmth. And now that he was already having a taste of it, fate decided to take it away.

He could be selfish; however, he knew that he couldn't refuse Naruto, especially when he said that he would give up being Hokage for Sakura. He couldn't steal the life out of him especially when he had already stolen a lot from them. They deserved happiness more than he could ever deserve it.

And so he kissed the brunette next to him exactly when Sakura came inside the pub.

'_The timing was fucking right'_, he thought as he closed his eyes and dreamt that it was pink hair he was caressing between his fingers.

**.VIII .ii .i.**

The confrontation was inevitable.

Sakura was screaming at him, tears streaking down her face. She was telling him how sick he was for leading her on, for making her even think of the future with him that was in reality non-existent, for breaking her heart again. He was called a jerk, a bastard an asshole and he let her hurl insults at him, choosing to be silent, trying to hide the fact that every word she said that night was like a _kunai_ being stabbed at his heart.

He could only swallow the pain that he was feeling.

_(Unfair. Unfair. Life is so unfair.)_

When she was already sitting on the floor still crying, Sasuke kneeled in front of her, kissed her forehead and said, "I didn't mean to hurt you. But please, even though I've done nothing but hurt you till the end, please don't walk out of my life. You and Naruto mean so much to me."

Little did he know that with that one simple sentence, Sakura had understood. The next day, Sakura acted as if nothing between them happened. After all she also knew how much important friendship is.

_(Why do we bother with love if it never lasts?)_

**.VII~VI.**

The next thing Sasuke knew, Naruto and Sakura were already dating. The transition was too fast that even the townspeople couldn't cope up with it. There were a lot of _aww_'s and _you look good together_'s whenever they see the couple walking down the street, holding hands.

Naruto wouldn't stop grinning and Sakura couldn't stop laughing at how silly he looked. Sasuke just sat beside them on the ramen stand with a wistful smile on his face. But he never tried looking at them directly. He didn't notice Naruto's guilty eyes whenever he looks at him.

Months turned years and two years turned to a wedding. Sasuke found himself at the end of the entourage, beside Naruto who kept on babbling beside him how lucky he was. He stopped himself from punching and killing the groom, so he settled with a, _"I hope your kids don't turn out like you."_ which only made Naruto even louder, exclaiming profanities at him and saying how his kids would be so lucky to get his genes.

He scoffed.

"Where's Sakura, anyway? " Naruto mumbled worriedly.

"Maybe she got scared of the prospect of a lifetime with you that she ran way."

"What the hell, Teme! That's not funny."

"Well, I wouldn't – " The words died out of his throat because just then, the bride arrived with Ino bustling beside her.

Sakura walked daintily towards them, a smile adorning her beautiful face. Wisps of curled pink hair cascaded down her cheeks, escaping the pins encrusted with green emeralds shaped like leaves that held her hair up in chignon. She was wearing a light pink traditional kimono patterned with cherry blossoms. Naruto had outdone himself by saving enough for the wedding and Ino made sure to empty out his pockets just to make the bride as beautiful as she could be.

_Secretly, she also did it to make Sasuke regret._

And regret he did. Sasuke couldn't stop thinking about how beautiful she was and how she would now be officially _not his_.

"Congratulations ,Sakura. I hope you find happiness together with this idiot." He heard himself say as he extended his arms and gave the bride a hug that was very uncharacteristic of him.

Her giggles were music to his ears.

**.V.**

Saya was born the next year. Unfortunately, she never grew fast enough to even remember her parents' faces.

**.nihil.i.**

Sasuke wedges the kunai he is holding deep into the ground just before the memorial stone bearing the names of the two most important people in his life. He can hear his mind taunting him that it was karma but chooses to ignore it. After all he has a child on tow and it will be a bad influence for her to see him brooding.

"Why did you keep okaa-chan's kunai?"

He looks at Saya, whose blue eyes keep on staring at him curiously.

"This?"

Saya nods.

"It's because I don't want to forget."

"Forget what?"

"Your mother. And your father too." He adds the last one hastily.

"Ah, _sou_?" She then stoops down at the last two names on the memorial stone and traces them. "I actually can remember a bit about them. But just a bit. Just _Kaa-chan_ singing lullaby before I go to bed and _Tou-chan's_ very lively story-telling. The rest are from the stories you tell me. Mama's so pretty. I wasn't surprised when you and Otou-chan fell in love with her."

He frowns. _How did this child know about something he had tried so hard to hide?_ "Where did you hear that from?"

"You were doing exactly what you said Otou-chan was doing whenever Okaa-chan's around. Although Okaa-chan's not here anymore but I can hear it whenever you tell stories. And you kept that."

Sasuke silently applauds that Saya grew up to be as smart as Sakura.

"Are you sad, Papa? Do you feel like crying?"

"Not really. It has been three years since then."

"Ah, _sou_?"

"Hn."

"When I grow up, I'd marry you Papa."

Sasuke snorts in reply. "You know, there will come a time when you will also meet that one person who will forever change your life."

"But I don't want you to be alone anymore. It's sad being alone. I remember that too."

"I won't, Saya. I won't."

_Her poisoned-stained kunai in his hands, Sasuke never relinquished it. He keeps it to himself as a reminder of the things he had but was taken for granted, the should've beens, the what ifs and the love that was found and then lost forever._

_But most of all, he keeps it because he doesn't want to forget. Time should never heal._

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A/N: Written for the SSM project of sasusaku-headcanons . tumblr .com. Thanks to my beta: cheriper who made this more appetizing to the readers. I edited it again today, 7/7/2013 11:11PM US Time because I crammed this and wasn't able to grammar check it and stuff. I do hope there were only a few errors left. Huhu.

Prompt: the very first line in this fic.

I hope you enjoyed reading this. (and I do hope my markers didn't confuse you that much.) Teehee. A little input on my part: For me, time should never heal. Whatever happiness, pain or suffering you experience, you should never forget how that feels like. Because it is a very important part of you. It is the one that might have made you stronger, or weaker for that matter, or a different person than you were from before. Actually, I've only thought of this recently. There was this time when I made a mistake. And someone told me that I should never forget that feeling of berating myself and feeling so stupid and horrible so that I could avoid making the same mistakes next time because I know it feels sooooo horrible to make a mistake. Or maybe that can only be applicable to me? I dunno. And I'm rambling already so tata for now. :D

I'm listening to "If I Die Young" and "Just a Dream" covers in youtube while I was writing this. I dunno the respective artists so just search them in google or something.

-SS


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